She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
