shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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