How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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