Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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