pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
