ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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