So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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