capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I forgot wine drunk hurts
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
