Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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