My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
