I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
