We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
