I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
