I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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