Define "chronic" masturbator.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
