well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
