thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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