I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize