i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize