she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
