Umm I'm too high to move.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
