it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize