Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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