I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
