It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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