For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
