Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize