Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
