I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
