I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
