what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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