I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
