I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
