You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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