I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
