If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
