remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
