my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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