I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So much Jack, so little girl.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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