you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
