Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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