Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
