I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
