It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize