I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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