Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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