on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
