Your tits are I can't wait for
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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