Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize