I think my fart just growled at me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
