just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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