My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
