tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
