my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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