You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
