just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
