so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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