i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
