Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
