halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
