the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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