I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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