i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize