I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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