I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
