i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
