i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
