I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
